Intimacy
March 3rd 2008 11:45 am
We all know teenagers struggle with intimacy. Part of the reason is they do not know what it is but then neither do most adults. Take Marty, for instance, a teenager with an older sister Connie. Marty has been doing poorly in school while Connie remains a consistent student. Connie is very close to her mother, and they talk openly and honestly and trust one another. Marty is quiet around his parents, and in particular, he and his father have always been emotionally distant. Dad is a reserved person and is uncomfortable with talking.
Marty respects the fact that Dad is loyal to his career, but feels Dad’s career is more important than he is. Marty subconsciously disrespects his father. Even if he could, he would be hard pressed to articulate his feelings to a dad who does not communicate. Marty’s feelings are projected in a way that demands Dad’s attention — poor grades. One thing for sure, fail in school and you will have a conversation with Dad.
Dad cannot stand “failures.” He was raised by an overpowering, angry father, who pounded “hard work and ethics” into his head. His father was also physically abusive. Unfortunately, “intimacy” was excluded from Dad’s own childhood. Dad swore off treating his own children the same way his father treated him, and from a behavioral standpoint, he succeeded. While he has never been physically abusive to his children, he has emotionally distanced himself from his family the same way his father did.
Marty fears his father, yet is failing at him. He is unable to tell his father how he feels; it is not safe or natural for him to do so. Instead, he “acts out” his feelings at school and the consequence of misbehaving is the only connection he has with his father. This is dysfunctional, but nevertheless, he gets Dad’s attention.
When Marty succeeds, Dad praises him. He then performs well in school, sports and just about anything he sets out to do. On the other hand, if he is not “successful,” his father punishes Marty with silence. This is when he fails at things that normally come easy to him, and while this passive-aggressive behavior is predictable nobody addresses it. This is not simply a problem between Marty and his father; it is a family issue.
Mom and Connie live in their own fantasy world together. They refuse to recognize that they live with an emotionally absent husband and father. They stick together like two Eskimos in a snowstorm, yet they leave Marty alone to fend for him self.
Mom should take the lead here because she is the one who married the emotionally absent father. She needs to tell Dad what his behavior is doing to the family. She should seek counseling for the entire family, not just Marty, the kid with the “symptoms.”
Marty has a chance at a relationship with his father if his mother intervenes. This will mean risking arguments or more silence by Dad. However, if something does not change for this family, Marty will be doomed to recreate the same scenario with his own children.
Although this may not appear to be an opportunity to create intimacy, it is! Intimacy only comes with emotional risk. Intimacy is not a gift, it is a skill.
Tim Chapman is director of Teensavers.com in Orange County.
Contact the writer at: timchapman.csac@gmail.com
