Drug abuse is epidemic among our youth, and parents often struggle with their suspicions about their kids. Are they or aren’t they using drugs? So it doesn’t surprise me that whenever I talk about the appropriateness of drug testing everyone has an opinion about whether they should use one or not. To athletes, students, airline pilots, taxi drivers and parents, drug testing is either an invasion of privacy or a commitment to safety. Increasingly, it’s imperative for employers to demand drug testing of their employees for the public’s safety, so also, I’m convinced, there are times when testing becomes an effective tool in the hands of a loving and concerned parent.

Bonnie, a mother in Mission Viejo, contacted me because she was upset with both her husband and teenage son. She twice caught her son in possession of marijuana. Each time he insisted he was “holding it for a friend.” Dad believed the story—both times. Bonnie is convinced if he’s holding it, he’s probably using it. If he’s not, it won’t be long before he does. One can only imagine the arguments in her home.

Mom feels she needs more evidence to satisfy dad. A simple test can confirm her suspicions and gain dad’s support. However, she will have to go it alone. Unfortunately, there’s no easy way to approach this. Teens, and some parents, usually will feel offended when their privacy is being invaded. But there are ways to use a drug test to set a boundary. I advised her to inform her son the next time he’s caught he will have to make a choice.

Either he will go with her to a clinic for a drug test, or she will call the police and have him explain it to them. These choices will cause conflict with dad, yet her options are limited. If Bonnie is worried dad will be offended, perhaps he needs to be. Offending him may be the only way to motivate him. His cooperation is crucial to helping their son. I’ve witnessed lesser issues that caused more damage within a family. I told Bonnie this one is worth the risk.

If her son’s test is positive, there will be evidence to gain dad’s support and seek counseling or treatment. If her son refuses to cooperate, mom and dad should attend counseling together and devise a plan they can both live with. Joining a parent support group such as Tough Love is a good idea. These types of organizations give parents direction and hold them to their commitments to their children.

I would discourage using over the counter drug testing kits for two reasons. First, it is emotionally difficult to test your own child. Secondly, most parents don’t know how to respond to test results, be it positive or negative.
For around $50 you can have a professional counselor conduct the test, and walk you through the difficult process. If the test results are positive, the counselor can provide your family with a plan. If the results are negative, the counselor can assist in debriefing your immediate feelings and recommend some trust building strategies. This process just won’t happen with an over-the-counter drug test.

If you’re concerned for your child and you’re considering drug testing, but are worried about how to go about it log onto www.teensavers.com or call 714-288-9779. My final thought on drug testing your child is that offending your family is not the worst thing that can happen. Not testing your child when you are suspicious could be.

Contact: timchapman.csac@gmail.com

Posted by admin under Writings from Tim Chapman | No Comments »

We all know teenagers struggle with intimacy. Part of the reason is they do not know what it is but then neither do most adults. Take Marty, for instance, a teenager with an older sister Connie. Marty has been doing poorly in school while Connie remains a consistent student. Connie is very close to her mother, and they talk openly and honestly and trust one another. Marty is quiet around his parents, and in particular, he and his father have always been emotionally distant. Dad is a reserved person and is uncomfortable with talking.

Marty respects the fact that Dad is loyal to his career, but feels Dad’s career is more important than he is. Marty subconsciously disrespects his father. Even if he could, he would be hard pressed to articulate his feelings to a dad who does not communicate. Marty’s feelings are projected in a way that demands Dad’s attention — poor grades. One thing for sure, fail in school and you will have a conversation with Dad.
Dad cannot stand “failures.” He was raised by an overpowering, angry father, who pounded “hard work and ethics” into his head. His father was also physically abusive. Unfortunately, “intimacy” was excluded from Dad’s own childhood. Dad swore off treating his own children the same way his father treated him, and from a behavioral standpoint, he succeeded. While he has never been physically abusive to his children, he has emotionally distanced himself from his family the same way his father did.

Marty fears his father, yet is failing at him. He is unable to tell his father how he feels; it is not safe or natural for him to do so. Instead, he “acts out” his feelings at school and the consequence of misbehaving is the only connection he has with his father. This is dysfunctional, but nevertheless, he gets Dad’s attention.

When Marty succeeds, Dad praises him. He then performs well in school, sports and just about anything he sets out to do. On the other hand, if he is not “successful,” his father punishes Marty with silence. This is when he fails at things that normally come easy to him, and while this passive-aggressive behavior is predictable nobody addresses it. This is not simply a problem between Marty and his father; it is a family issue.

Mom and Connie live in their own fantasy world together. They refuse to recognize that they live with an emotionally absent husband and father. They stick together like two Eskimos in a snowstorm, yet they leave Marty alone to fend for him self.

Mom should take the lead here because she is the one who married the emotionally absent father. She needs to tell Dad what his behavior is doing to the family. She should seek counseling for the entire family, not just Marty, the kid with the “symptoms.”

Marty has a chance at a relationship with his father if his mother intervenes. This will mean risking arguments or more silence by Dad. However, if something does not change for this family, Marty will be doomed to recreate the same scenario with his own children.

Although this may not appear to be an opportunity to create intimacy, it is! Intimacy only comes with emotional risk. Intimacy is not a gift, it is a skill.

Tim Chapman is director of Teensavers.com in Orange County.
Contact the writer at: timchapman.csac@gmail.com

Posted by admin under Writings from Tim Chapman | No Comments »

There is an invisible line that parents often unwittingly cross—it divides the positive behavior of influencing their teens to achieve a healthy maturity from the negative practice of controlling their behavior to the teen’s detriment. This fuzzy line between a natural desire to assist and a needy inclination to control teens arises out of a question all good parents ask themselves: “Am I responsible for my teenager?”

Parents who answer “yes” to this question often fall into a trap. For instance, when supervising their homework by standing over their teens’ shoulders and then helping to complete it, they are creating the false sense they have control over them for their own good. It truly is an illusion, because while your teen is conforming, two possible negative reactions are forming in their minds. First, teens will become resentful of their parents control. Secondly, teens don’t accept credit for the accomplishment. Even if they do, the parent shares ownership of it. A repeated pattern of this behavior breeds co-dependency, never self-sufficiency. This result is the exact opposite of what parents who use control over their teens think they are accomplishing.

The more accurate answer to parents’ question of responsibility is, “No. You are responsible to them.” By the time children enter adolescence, parents role is to encourage, influence, and monitor. At this stage in your adolescent’s life, your influence is more effective than your ability to control. The sooner parents recognize this, the sooner they become more productive in positively influencing their teen.

In the long run, it might be healthier to allow the teen to face the natural consequences of not finishing an assignment. I’m not recommending parents avoid working with their teen, just don’t do their work for them. Let them know it’s important they do their homework and you are available to help, if you can. Set your boundaries by letting them know you will only remind them twice.

Keep in mind that I am referring to teenagers, not children. For children, it’s best to work alongside them on their homework, again, being careful not to do it for them. This will assist children in developing interests as well as important study skills for their future.

When children transition into adolescence and they have not developed self-discipline or study skills, mom and dad may be the least productive motivators. The best teacher is the natural consequence created by the teen’s behavior. Consequences might include study hall, lower grades, parent-teacher conferences, having to stay after school to complete assignments, or the dreaded summer school. Although it may be an inconvenience for parents to attend disciplinary conferences, it can help motivate the teen.

At this stage it’s vital a parent avoid controlling strategies and use positive influence instead. First, make sure your teen goes to the conference; after all it is their consequence. Second, agree with the teacher on a specific plan of action including what’s expected of you and your teen. Third, follow your part of the plan; this models good behavior. Finally, allow your teens to fail or succeed. If they fail, the consequences have been predetermined and agreed upon.

When you allow them to fail with dignity and to learn from natural consequences you are assisting them along the path to mature adulthood. That’s what all parents want. And that’s why parents should never cross the fine line between helping and controlling.

Posted by admin under Writings from Tim Chapman | No Comments »

Over the past 30-years I have been asked many times “what’s a healthy family?”

While there are no clear-cut answers to this there are certain characteristics that I believe help make-up an emotionally healthy family:

• Vulnerability – The family atmosphere allows for each other to be vulnerable. Family members argue, disagree, and are allowed to express differing viewpoints. However, nobody is judged by how they FEEL. Feelings are not interpreted as thoughts of ideas and therefore not judged. Home is a safe place to be yourself.
• Imperfection – Family members are not exposed to ridged rules and expectations. They are not expected to be perfect. A healthy family allows for imperfection and embraces and supports each other when mistakes are made.
• Immature – Family members are not expected to have all the answers. They are allowed to let down their guard at home and be “child like” from time-to-time.
• Worthiness – Healthy families exude and model attitudes of worthiness. They treat each other respectfully, and in instances where they fail to do so, they admit it and apologize for undermining one’s feelings of self-worth.
• Spontaneous – Healthy families allow for spontaneity. They aren’t governed by lengthy pre-planned vacations or other events. They leave room for each member (young and old) to contribute to changing of plans, ideas or acting (at times) on the spur of the moment.
• Curiosity – You never hear “curiosity killed the cat” in a healthy family. Their very foundation is based learning and embracing new things. They encourage each other to take reasonable, emotional risks.
• Dependent – Healthy families are inter-dependent, rather than co-dependent to each other. They trust one another and count on each other to protect the family unit. Family members do not feel an obligation, guilt or shame by being loyal to one another; they feel proud and privileged to be part of.
• Needy – It’s okay to feel needy in a healthy family system. Those that do are acknowledged and the family looks for ways to meet each others’ needs as opposed to exposing one’s vulnerability to the outside world which many times can create a “shame base” at the very foundation of the family.
• Valuable – Each member of a healthy family believe they have value and their contributions (regardless of size) are acknowledged and validated as valuable. Healthy families don’t use language that devalues another member.

Finally, in general a healthy family has what I call a “Lifespark,” an enthusiasm for life and each other. And at times when it’s not burning bright, they get together and figure a way to keep it lit.

Where does your family rate according to my thoughts?

Contact Tim at 714-288-9779 or email him at timchapman.csac@gmail.com

Posted by admin under Writings from Tim Chapman | No Comments »