Teen Works Through Resentments
July 31st 2007 09:16 am
We all become angry from time-to-time, that’s normal. Craig on the other hand, entered our teen drug rehab program with extreme anger towards his father. We label this unresolved anger as resentments.
Craig’s anger was justified and may actually have been healthy had he been able to express it towards his father. And, if only his father were willing to at least hear him out. He probably would have avoided treatment.
It is rare for someone to experience the feeling of anger, then recognize where it’s coming from and finally share it with the person he/she is angry with. If we were all able to do this, we could eliminate resentments, as well as, eliminating acting out or violent behavior. In an earlier column I discussed anger as a healthy emotion, yet left unexpressed, will turn into problem behavior.
Craig was afraid of his father and therefore didn’t dare express his true feelings. This unexpressed anger turned to rage and finally to acting out in destructive ways. When Craig was admitted here, he was punching holes in walls at home, calling his parents names and leaving home whenever he felt like it.
We had Craig write a list of 20-resentments he had towards his father. The resentments needed to be made up with what we call our “6-basic feelings” as follows: Mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed and hurt. Our theory is, that if any of these basic feelings were unresolved between Craig and his father, the situation would worsen without therapy. Here’s an example of how one emotion can turn to resentment:
Craig’s older brother received a car on his 16th birthday. When Craig turned 16 he received a bicycle. Naturally Craig felt hurt about this, but failed to share this feeling with his father. Now granted, Craig’s brother deserved the car while Craig did nothing to prove responsibility. Nevertheless, Craig still had the fantasy of getting a car for his birthday, even though he himself felt he didn’t deserve it. Craig’s was full of guilt for not measuring up to his own expectations. His guilt led to silence about his feelings, then to feelings of hurt, and finally to resentments towards his father. Can you see how Craig’s own expectations and failure to communicate actually caused the resentments? This was Craig’s core problem that we identified in treatment.
The good news is Craig received the support and guidance to work through several resentments with his father. His hard work led to trust, which ultimately led to better communication and improved behavior at home. All this of course earned Craig that car he had been wanting.
