Sister Without Cancer Needs Too
July 31st 2007 09:38 am
Claudia is a teenaged girl who feels abandoned. Her sister Marie gets most of the attention. Marie is not after the family spotlight, but her condition demands attention. Sadly, Marie suffers from an incurable form of cancer and she must rely on her family to care for all of her needs.
Claudia loves Marie and spends most of her time with her. She feels selfish and guilty whenever she thinks about herself. Sharing the responsibility of caring for Marie with her parents has its good and bad perspectives. The good news is Claudia has a deeply spiritual relationship with her sister. Marie has taught Claudia trust, humility, patience and gratitude for life. The bad news is Claudia is only fourteen. She too needs to be nurtured and parented. She needs to spend time with friends and to enjoy, or at least participate in her adolescence.
Claudia and her parents endure the daily pain of Marie’s deterioration. They feel tremendous guilt and sadness, which occasionally turns to frustration and is directed towards Claudia. It’s difficult for mom and dad to realize Claudia’s needs when they are under such duress as losing a child.
Claudia’s parents came to us for help with their grief. We attempted to help them to find somewhat of a balance during this difficult time. We recommended that they first draw strength from their faith and then from each other. We also ended for Claudia’s sake, that they see her as the child that she is and treat her as such. Mom and dad were to relieve Claudia of all expectations and responsibility for her sister, because encouraging a caretaker relationship serves no purpose for either of the girls. Finally, they were to forgive themselves for Marie’s condition for which they have no control. They owe it to their entire family to find a sense of normalcy.
Mom and dad will best serve both daughters by parenting Claudia. This includes touching her, hugging her, expressing anger towards her, arguing with her and anything else that one would expect a parent to do.
They are to set-up a part-time nurse/caregiver or relative once a week in order to take time away to recharge themselves. And finally, they are to encourage Marie to share her feelings with them, regardless of how painful.
There are no right answers here, but Marie’s parents must acknowledge her needs as well as, Claudia’s.
