Separation; Something Normal About Teenagers
July 31st 2007 09:12 am
When I speak at special events the number one question parents ask me is “What‘s a normal teenager?” My first response is that normal doesn’t stand for “The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws.”
Although normal teenage behavior has changed over the past thirty years, it hasn’t changed entirely. “Normal” varies based upon many factors such as culture, race, religion, personal family values, etc. However, there remain some constants in the process of normal adolescence. One constant that has not changed is the number one unconscious task of every teenager: to separate from his/her parents.
If a teenager is to successfully process through adolescence, he/she must separate physically, emotionally, cognitively and financially from his/her parents.
It has been evident in my work with adolescents throughout the years that parents who interfere, disrupt or undermine the healthy process of “separation” actually contribute to anger outbursts and other forms of unhealthy teenage behavior. In addition, it’s been my observation that too much parental interference during this crucial time-of-life also contributes to the teenager’s loss of “spirit” or enthusiasm.
An adolescent’s inner-self; personal thoughts, beliefs, motivation, hopes, dreams and self-esteem are what I refer to as their “Lifespark” or in other words, their enthusiasm for life.
Once an adolescent’s “Lifespark” has been damaged, there hope to restore it lies in direct work with their parents or caregivers. Many times the parents themselves are the perpetrators of the damage inflicted on their child’s “Lifespark;” this is usually unintentional but nonetheless, requires their participation and that of an outside professional to help restore it. When damage occurs and trust is lost between a parent and teen, it’s best to work with the assistance of a therapist or a drug rehab facility for reasons of objectivity.
The bottom line is that teenagers must separate from their parents and healthy separation is ideal for long-term emotional health. Therefore, I’ve listed a few behaviors you might need to be aware of that can help define “normal” and give you a bit more peace-of-mind about your teenager’s healthy separation:
- Sudden assertion of personal rights or space.
- Desiring to be with friends rather than family.
- Disagreeing with their parents.
- Wearing clothing or jewelry that conflicts with their parents’ desires or values.
- Computer addiction (watch this one closely).
The aforementioned behaviors are generally normal and benign for an adolescent attempting to separate from his/her parents, provided the adolescent is doing well in school, getting along fairly well with family members, he/she is not in trouble or in danger, and he/she follows most rules at home.
Healthy parents allow for separation.
