Intent is Half the Solution
July 29th 2007 11:41 am
Craig, a 16-year old entered our treatment program with “out-of-control anger.” He would scream, hit his little brother and toss things around whenever he became angry. In an earlier column I discussed anger as a healthy emotion, yet left unexpressed, turns into problem behavior. Craig, as with most teenagers, needed a safe way in which to express his anger. This would help him to avoid acting out negative behavior.
It was a challenge convincing Craig’s father that he was a key factor in helping Craig express feelings appropriately. We explained that Craig’s anger was actually healthy and that Craig’s behavior was the problem, not his anger. Craig’s father was open to listening to his feelings of anger provided he curbed his inappropriate behavior. Once the two agreed to work on this together, Craig almost instantaneously became willing to share his feelings.
In the treatment process Craig and his father had to learn the language of feelings. The first step was to remember that feelings are entirely different from behavior. Behavior is expressed via an action, feelings are expressed verbally. They learned that verbalizing anger without judging the other person, or expecting a certain result, is the appropriate way to do it.
Most of us know how difficult it is to express anger appropriately in the “heat of the moment.” Therefore, we recommended scheduled, rational talks, between Craig and his father. The purpose of the talks was purely to express their feelings, not to solve problems. The talks were to be held twice weekly at a pre-determined time, and were to last no less than ten minutes and no longer than fifteen. Too long a talk may lead to boredom, nothing to discuss and undesirable results.
During each talk Craig and his father were to express feelings they had experienced that particular day. Any feeling would do, so long as they used our “6-basic feelings” language. We instructed them to share their feelings to one another without interruption, without consequence and without giving advice.
The 6-basic feelings language is: “mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed and hurt.” These words were to be the foundation of their talks. Again, they had to use one or all of these words when describing their feelings.
This simple exercise helped them to articulate feelings; listen and hear one another, and it helped them to learn to spend time together. If it sounds simple, it was. And, it worked for two good reasons.
1. They followed through with the talks consistently.
2. They intended for this to work.
Their intent was as important as their follow through.
