Anger Need Not be Feared
July 29th 2007 11:45 am
People fear anger, yet it’s the most socially acceptable feeling we encounter. Sound conflicting? We’ve all heard of anger workshops, and anger management, but I’ve yet to hear of a fear, sadness or hurt workshop. Ever hear of anyone being sentenced by a judge to a workshop about feelings other than anger? I doubt it. Anger is popular, so why is it so feared?
Anger in and of itself is a positive force, not a destructive emotion. Anger gets a “bad rap” from people who fail to express it appropriately or not at all. Anger is a feeling, how one may act upon it is a behavior, which is where the confusion lies.
I encounter numerous teenagers in our practice who are prime examples of unexpressed anger turned problem behavior. When a parent becomes angry, his or her actions determine trust or distrust to their children. Parents able to accept their own anger contribute to trust in their family. Those who can’t, create doubt and fear.
Example; Mike is a parent who is willing to acknowledge his anger. His children are not intimidated by dad’s anger because he “puts it out there” and they trust he won’t lose control. They also admit it’s difficult to manipulate their dad with angry outbursts because he’s comfortable with his own anger.
Parents able to deal with anger as it surfaces enjoy lower levels of stress. Additionally, anger is emotional energy and children sense energy. When mom or dad become irritated and fail to express the feeling, the child senses it, determines it’s not safe, and adapts a defensive position towards them. For many teenagers unexpressed parental anger feels more uncomfortable than being yelled at. Unexpressed anger increases the likelihood that teens will “act-out” in order to evoke an aggressive response from their parents.
If you believe your teenager designs things just to make you angry, perhaps your right. However, perhaps in a roundabout and unconscious way, your child is trying to help bring out your suppressed anger. Suppressed anger leads to emotional-outbursts. Using anger as a weapon leads to generalized fear in the family.
If you find yourself constantly angry with your child, perhaps it’s not about your child’s behavior. Stop yourself before reacting aggressively. Test your stress level. There are several stress tests you can take on the internet. Once you’ve identified major life stressors (excluding your children), seek professional guidance to reduce or eliminate those stressors. You might be surprised how little anger you feel towards your children, and how anger itself is not so frightening after all.
