Teensavers Teen Drug Rehab

Claudia is a teenaged girl who feels abandoned. Her sister Marie gets most of the attention. Marie is not after the family spotlight, but her condition demands attention. Sadly, Marie suffers from an incurable form of cancer and she must rely on her family to care for all of her needs.

Claudia loves Marie and spends most of her time with her. She feels selfish and guilty whenever she thinks about herself. Sharing the responsibility of caring for Marie with her parents has its good and bad perspectives. The good news is Claudia has a deeply spiritual relationship with her sister. Marie has taught Claudia trust, humility, patience and gratitude for life. The bad news is Claudia is only fourteen. She too needs to be nurtured and parented. She needs to spend time with friends and to enjoy, or at least participate in her adolescence.

Claudia and her parents endure the daily pain of Marie’s deterioration. They feel tremendous guilt and sadness, which occasionally turns to frustration and is directed towards Claudia. It’s difficult for mom and dad to realize Claudia’s needs when they are under such duress as losing a child.

Claudia’s parents came to us for help with their grief. We attempted to help them to find somewhat of a balance during this difficult time. We recommended that they first draw strength from their faith and then from each other. We also ended for Claudia’s sake, that they see her as the child that she is and treat her as such. Mom and dad were to relieve Claudia of all expectations and responsibility for her sister, because encouraging a caretaker relationship serves no purpose for either of the girls. Finally, they were to forgive themselves for Marie’s condition for which they have no control. They owe it to their entire family to find a sense of normalcy.

Mom and dad will best serve both daughters by parenting Claudia. This includes touching her, hugging her, expressing anger towards her, arguing with her and anything else that one would expect a parent to do.

They are to set-up a part-time nurse/caregiver or relative once a week in order to take time away to recharge themselves. And finally, they are to encourage Marie to share her feelings with them, regardless of how painful.

There are no right answers here, but Marie’s parents must acknowledge her needs as well as, Claudia’s.

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We all become angry from time-to-time, that’s normal. Craig on the other hand, entered our teen drug rehab program with extreme anger towards his father. We label this unresolved anger as resentments.

Craig’s anger was justified and may actually have been healthy had he been able to express it towards his father. And, if only his father were willing to at least hear him out. He probably would have avoided treatment.

It is rare for someone to experience the feeling of anger, then recognize where it’s coming from and finally share it with the person he/she is angry with. If we were all able to do this, we could eliminate resentments, as well as, eliminating acting out or violent behavior. In an earlier column I discussed anger as a healthy emotion, yet left unexpressed, will turn into problem behavior.

Craig was afraid of his father and therefore didn’t dare express his true feelings. This unexpressed anger turned to rage and finally to acting out in destructive ways. When Craig was admitted here, he was punching holes in walls at home, calling his parents names and leaving home whenever he felt like it.

We had Craig write a list of 20-resentments he had towards his father. The resentments needed to be made up with what we call our “6-basic feelings” as follows: Mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed and hurt. Our theory is, that if any of these basic feelings were unresolved between Craig and his father, the situation would worsen without therapy. Here’s an example of how one emotion can turn to resentment:

Craig’s older brother received a car on his 16th birthday. When Craig turned 16 he received a bicycle. Naturally Craig felt hurt about this, but failed to share this feeling with his father. Now granted, Craig’s brother deserved the car while Craig did nothing to prove responsibility. Nevertheless, Craig still had the fantasy of getting a car for his birthday, even though he himself felt he didn’t deserve it. Craig’s was full of guilt for not measuring up to his own expectations. His guilt led to silence about his feelings, then to feelings of hurt, and finally to resentments towards his father. Can you see how Craig’s own expectations and failure to communicate actually caused the resentments? This was Craig’s core problem that we identified in treatment.

The good news is Craig received the support and guidance to work through several resentments with his father. His hard work led to trust, which ultimately led to better communication and improved behavior at home. All this of course earned Craig that car he had been wanting.

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When I speak at special events the number one question parents ask me is “What‘s a normal teenager?” My first response is that normal doesn’t stand for “The National Organization for the Reform of Marijuana Laws.”

Although normal teenage behavior has changed over the past thirty years, it hasn’t changed entirely. “Normal” varies based upon many factors such as culture, race, religion, personal family values, etc. However, there remain some constants in the process of normal adolescence. One constant that has not changed is the number one unconscious task of every teenager: to separate from his/her parents.

If a teenager is to successfully process through adolescence, he/she must separate physically, emotionally, cognitively and financially from his/her parents.

It has been evident in my work with adolescents throughout the years that parents who interfere, disrupt or undermine the healthy process of “separation” actually contribute to anger outbursts and other forms of unhealthy teenage behavior. In addition, it’s been my observation that too much parental interference during this crucial time-of-life also contributes to the teenager’s loss of “spirit” or enthusiasm.

An adolescent’s inner-self; personal thoughts, beliefs, motivation, hopes, dreams and self-esteem are what I refer to as their “Lifespark” or in other words, their enthusiasm for life.

Once an adolescent’s “Lifespark” has been damaged, there hope to restore it lies in direct work with their parents or caregivers. Many times the parents themselves are the perpetrators of the damage inflicted on their child’s “Lifespark;” this is usually unintentional but nonetheless, requires their participation and that of an outside professional to help restore it. When damage occurs and trust is lost between a parent and teen, it’s best to work with the assistance of a therapist or a drug rehab facility for reasons of objectivity.

The bottom line is that teenagers must separate from their parents and healthy separation is ideal for long-term emotional health. Therefore, I’ve listed a few behaviors you might need to be aware of that can help define “normal” and give you a bit more peace-of-mind about your teenager’s healthy separation:

1. Sudden assertion of personal rights or space.
2. Desiring to be with friends rather than family.
3. Disagreeing with their parents.
4. Wearing clothing or jewelry that conflicts with their parents’ desires or values.
5. Computer addiction (watch this one closely).

The aforementioned behaviors are generally normal and benign for an adolescent attempting to separate from his/her parents, provided the adolescent is doing well in school, getting along fairly well with family members, he/she is not in trouble or in danger, and he/she follows most rules at home.

Healthy parents allow for separation.

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Dear Tim:

My 16-year old daughter has run away from home three times in her life. The first two times she came back home in a matter of hours, this time I’m worried. She hasn’t been home in three days and she hasn’t called. Rumor has it that she is staying with a boy at his mother’s house not far from here. Should I go over there? What do you suggest?

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Depression may very well be anger turned inward. Take Steve for instance; a 16-year-old who was brought into or clinic by his parents for evaluation. According to his mother, Steve started cutting himself with razors and knives. One-day mother noticed blood on his sleeves when she was doing laundry. She confronted Steve and he admitted what he had been doing. Steve’s parents brought him in the following day.

During the evaluation Steve scored high on a depression test and he also admitted feeling depressed for nearly two years. His parents were astonished to hear this.

Steve is an above average student and is well liked in school. He described himself as a “people pleaser,” always telling others what they want to hear. He rarely says no and always follows his parents’ direction to the letter. Steve’s mother felt ‘blessed” to have a son so well behaved. Unfortunately, this “blessing” led Steve’s self-destructive behavior and to our clinic.

It turns out that Steve has been angry for many years. He feels he can’t communicate with his father and that his mother “runs interference” between them. He blames mom for not allowing him to get close to his dad, yet he doesn’t tell mom because he doesn’t want to hurt her feelings. He fears his father, even though his father has never harmed him. Steve’s answer to all this confusion is to hold his anger inside and pretend everything’s okay. This behavior would be more appropriately labeled repression as opposed to depression. However, the results are the same; anger turned inward led Steve into depression and then to self-destructive behavior, his cutting himself.

Our remedy for Steve’s depression was to have him write a list of his unresolved feelings towards his parents, role-play his list of feelings in session with a counselor, and then to sit down with his parents and the counselor and express his feelings directly. Once this was done, we were able to work mom and dad through their own feelings while helping them to understand that although Steve’s resentments are valid, his perception and the resulting feelings were not their fault.

If you believe your teenager designs things just to make you angry, perhaps your right. However, perhaps in a roundabout and unconscious way, your child is trying to help bring out your suppressed anger. Suppressed anger leads to emotional-outbursts. Using anger as a weapon leads to generalized fear in the family.

The end result was that Steve worked through his depression and his parents became willing to listen to his feelings, including his anger, without fighting or blaming himself or herself.

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People fear anger, yet it’s the most socially acceptable feeling we encounter. Sound conflicting? We’ve all heard of anger workshops, and anger management, but I’ve yet to hear of a fear, sadness or hurt workshop. Ever hear of anyone being sentenced by a judge to a workshop about feelings other than anger? I doubt it. Anger is popular, so why is it so feared?

Anger in and of itself is a positive force, not a destructive emotion. Anger gets a “bad rap” from people who fail to express it appropriately or not at all. Anger is a feeling, how one may act upon it is a behavior, which is where the confusion lies.

I encounter numerous teenagers in our practice who are prime examples of unexpressed anger turned problem behavior. When a parent becomes angry, his or her actions determine trust or distrust to their children. Parents able to accept their own anger contribute to trust in their family. Those who can’t, create doubt and fear.

Example; Mike is a parent who is willing to acknowledge his anger. His children are not intimidated by dad’s anger because he “puts it out there” and they trust he won’t lose control. They also admit it’s difficult to manipulate their dad with angry outbursts because he’s comfortable with his own anger.

Parents able to deal with anger as it surfaces enjoy lower levels of stress. Additionally, anger is emotional energy and children sense energy. When mom or dad become irritated and fail to express the feeling, the child senses it, determines it’s not safe, and adapts a defensive position towards them. For many teenagers unexpressed parental anger feels more uncomfortable than being yelled at. Unexpressed anger increases the likelihood that teens will “act-out” in order to evoke an aggressive response from their parents.

If you believe your teenager designs things just to make you angry, perhaps your right. However, perhaps in a roundabout and unconscious way, your child is trying to help bring out your suppressed anger. Suppressed anger leads to emotional-outbursts. Using anger as a weapon leads to generalized fear in the family.

If you find yourself constantly angry with your child, perhaps it’s not about your child’s behavior. Stop yourself before reacting aggressively. Test your stress level. There are several stress tests you can take on the internet. Once you’ve identified major life stressors (excluding your children), seek professional guidance to reduce or eliminate those stressors. You might be surprised how little anger you feel towards your children, and how anger itself is not so frightening after all.

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Craig, a 16-year old entered our treatment program with “out-of-control anger.” He would scream, hit his little brother and toss things around whenever he became angry. In an earlier column I discussed anger as a healthy emotion, yet left unexpressed, turns into problem behavior. Craig, as with most teenagers, needed a safe way in which to express his anger. This would help him to avoid acting out negative behavior.

It was a challenge convincing Craig’s father that he was a key factor in helping Craig express feelings appropriately. We explained that Craig’s anger was actually healthy and that Craig’s behavior was the problem, not his anger. Craig’s father was open to listening to his feelings of anger provided he curbed his inappropriate behavior. Once the two agreed to work on this together, Craig almost instantaneously became willing to share his feelings.

In the treatment process Craig and his father had to learn the language of feelings. The first step was to remember that feelings are entirely different from behavior. Behavior is expressed via an action, feelings are expressed verbally. They learned that verbalizing anger without judging the other person, or expecting a certain result, is the appropriate way to do it.

Most of us know how difficult it is to express anger appropriately in the “heat of the moment.” Therefore, we recommended scheduled, rational talks, between Craig and his father. The purpose of the talks was purely to express their feelings, not to solve problems. The talks were to be held twice weekly at a pre-determined time, and were to last no less than ten minutes and no longer than fifteen. Too long a talk may lead to boredom, nothing to discuss and undesirable results.

During each talk Craig and his father were to express feelings they had experienced that particular day. Any feeling would do, so long as they used our “6-basic feelings” language. We instructed them to share their feelings to one another without interruption, without consequence and without giving advice.

The 6-basic feelings language is: “mad, sad, glad, afraid, ashamed and hurt.” These words were to be the foundation of their talks. Again, they had to use one or all of these words when describing their feelings.

This simple exercise helped them to articulate feelings; listen and hear one another, and it helped them to learn to spend time together. If it sounds simple, it was. And, it worked for two good reasons.

1. They followed through with the talks consistently.
2. They intended for this to work.

Their intent was as important as their follow through.

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In spite of average and above average scores on intelligence tests, many students have a history of poor performance in various academic settings. Parents, teachers and students themselves are hard-pressed to explain how or why “smart” students can make poor grades. Granted, there are times when a smart student is lazy, poorly motivated, or simply not interested in the subject matter of the class being offered.

However, there is often another explanation for the poor academic performance and this other explanation can be documented with psychological testing.

It has been known for quite some time that the human brain is divided into two hemispheres, and that each hemisphere is specialized for different functions. That is, for most right-handed people, the left side of the brain is responsible for language, mathematics, and verbal reasoning, while the right hemisphere is responsible for visual-spatial, “mechanical” relationships and reasoning. Simply put, an architect or a car mechanic would probably be more “right-brained” and an English or Mathematics teacher would probably be more “left-brained.”

Tests are administered that allow a psychologist to determine where a student’s abilities lie by producing a Verbal (left-brain) Performance (right-brain), and Combined score that totals the abilities of both sides. Thus, we might have a student who has a combined score that is at the 70th percentile of his/her age group. That is, of 100 students of similar age who take the test, this student’s score would only be equaled or bettered by 30 other students, and this student’s score would be superior to the other 70 peers. We might reasonably expect such a student to be in the top 30% of his or her class.

With all the labels in use today, ADD, ADHD, Hyperactivity, Oppositional Defiance Disorder, the list goes on, it might be wise to test your teen for a disorder that’s not a disorder at all; it may be as simple as the way in which he learns.

For additional information on maximizing your teen’s academic ability, or checking on misdiagnosis, contact Teensavers.

Dr. George Tucker is the Clinical Psychologist for Teensavers. Tim and Dr. Tucker have worked together for over 25 years. His book “Troubled teens, it’s not always the parents fault” is a fresh approach to teenagers with learning difficulties.

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